this is stupid of me to do but like at this point i don’t know what to do with myself im at my lowest for such a long time and it’s all because of my relationship, i’ll try my best to explain everything as well as i can.
im going through my first relationship and my first love ever, but our relationship is online. we have been together for nearly a year now but at this point im at a place where i wanna breakup but i can’t because i still love them so fucking much.
our relationship started with us meeting on a game, we chatted a lot and spent time together. the only reason i stayed w them was bc when we talked a little more and got closer they told me their problems and bc i didn’t relate i felt bad so i wanted to be by their side. im already a very pitiful and helpful person so that’s why i always stayed and ig i get attached too easily. but we talked a lot on the daily and after one month we became official. they had a lot of ppl they played and talked w online mostly ppl from the site we connected to play on. but after we talked more and more they where getting comfortable and they where showing thier red flags, one of them was their p0rn addiction. i was stupid for thier love and presence so i was ignoring it all the time. i told them i don’t like send nudes so they never asked me for any but did send me a screenshot of someone sending them pics. i ignored it again. as i mentioned they played with a lot of other people so when they made plans w me to play and call they would cancel last minute which left me very very sad. i used to breakdown everytime after. and i was there literally ignoring everyone i talked to and only played with my close friends (which i told them about and i told them i would spend time w them). they where my everything i knew i didn’t need anyone else. i was committing fully. while you can see they didn’t. i was also thier first relationship even tho by the proof of them sending me that someone was sending them pics, i knew i wasn’t the only one. but i still kept them my only one.
for 6 months all this kept repeating and tbh i was still happy somehow. i was happy i could be there for the one i love i listened to them i helped them as much as i could, they also did the same sometimes which kept me happy. but it was our anniversary so we have a thing when 00:00 hits we send our love paragraphs and stuff and i did so while they didn’t. they didn’t reply to me even tho they where still online, i didn’t think much of this as when they said they’d go to sleep they would stay online for like the whole night. so i just logged on to the game we used to play together and there they where in a party of +2. i was disappointed, i texted them in game very dry, and that’s when they quit the game started calling me and shit, bc i was always there for them and i was ignoring everything i was always their little puppet, i was there to comfort, play, listen. but this time i think they finally realised they could loose me. after that i found out they where talking to someone for a long time and have been playing w them and it was a person in my gender. i felt cheated on bc i was here thinking i was the only one. i was still a little more clueless but things started hitting me. and the more we talked the more i found out, they where acting very sad one day and i was asking why but they didn’t tell me, once they where panicking they told me that the person that they played on out anniversary and talked to for a long time was trying to c0mmit. (it was bc of the persons relationship problems). so i knew they cared a lot about them. i was so much more hurt now. after that i stared overthinking so much more, overthinking things has always been a part of me but after that it just got worse. then i had to go to work and i was there for everyday a week from morning to evening.i repeated myself so much times hoping they would realise that they where the only one for me and i wanted to be their only one too. but while i was gone and i only had 1 day off in the week. they where off again. i knew something was going on. i would go back home late and the only thing i did was go and cry in my bathtub, it just was my routine: get barely any sleep, wake up, overthink, work, cry, try to sleep. i remember when we used to call they would share their screen sometimes and i guess they tried to hide it but i could see that i wasn’t the only one again. i didn’t mention it for a long time and a couple weeks later when we called again they shared their screen and this time the person texted them and i could see it, it made me sad and ig they could hear it in my voice as they asked what’s wrong. i was denying everything and then after we got off call they gave me a shit explanation of who that person was. but they lied i knew they played with the person as they sent me screenshots of thier new rank while blurring out the names. so i just knew they where lying and talking w that person for a long time again which was again the same gender as me. after that my trust for them went down so much and my mental health started getting worse i stared realising how stupid i was for them and that i would have never done this to them bc i loved them way too much. ever since that we have been fighting a lot but we are still together. there was a lot of incidents of other people. which just made me more mad that i always put them first. they said they will change everytime and i was explaining and repeating myself every fucking time hoping it would do something. sadly it didnt. now we are here it’s nearly our 1 year, they removed everyone they have added and bc my ovethinking is so bad now they send me “proof”, i don’t trust them anymore at this point but i love them. they make me hurt so much, like what did i ever do to deserve all of this just for being here with them. i did do some things that “hurt” them but they are nothing with other people. they where my only one, always. now i get dreams of them cheating on me and it messes with me and now i believe they are doing so again. we text cold and dry but i mentally can’t anymore i just don’t feel like the person i was before i met them. i cut myself crying about what they did to me once and im a type of person which is very scared to hurt myself. i lost all control, i have no power i don’t know what to do, all i have to say is that i love them. so. fucking. much. and i hate it.

please someone tell me your opinion and tell me what to do please just some advice and opinions on this. i just don’t know what to do i just wanna fucking die at this point. i didn’t cover everything bc that would take too long but i covered the most big things ig. please fucking help i can’t do this anymore all i do it cry and think i don’t even trust their reassurance anymore.
i want my old self back.